Self Help The Army Way
If you’re an emotional wreck (most people are) you need my new self-help book. Pull Yourself Together is based on a 1947 National Service Drill Sergeants’ Manual, which I have adapted into a tough love guide to coping with emotional trauma.
It has chapters on all common causes of emotional distress including divorce, debt, and catching a social disease from a friend or animal. Here are some examples:
Girlfriend left you? You must be inadequate, do fifty press ups and pull yourself together!
House being repossessed? Get yourself over to Palestine, accommodation and meals free (just keep your head down).
Got yourself an STD? You dirty animal! Five hours of pointless square bashing and then get yourself off to see the quack.
Priced at just £253.47, the first fifty copies come with a free Battle Of The Somme DVD. If that doesn’t give you perspective nothing will.
Where's the set of DVD's? The motivation MP3s for my Ipod? The t-shirt? The
lecture tour? I need more, I tell you!
After 50 press ups I don't think I could pull anything.
If my house is repossessed, let the devil keep it.
After 5 hours of square bashing, couldn't get off if I wanted too.
Who said the Battle of the Somme was free, another Kaiser Bill joke no
doubt.
Order me 3,000 copies Dear Boy, it's a deal.