Ashmash
Pan Pipes
posted Wednesday, 7 November 2007
Surely I’m not alone in considering pan pipes to be an instrument of torture. Yet it seems that every town centre tolerates a pan-pipe-man, driving shoppers insane with that relentless, tuneless racket.
Recently I decided to take matters into my own hands and rid our town of this menace. My original plan was simple: hijack the park’n’ride bus and run the pan-pipe-man over. Problem solved.
But, foolishly, I allowed myself to be dissuaded by a well-meaning friend (and accomplished penny whistle busker), who insisted no judge would ever agree that murdering someone with a bus was an act of self-defence.
“You could fight fire with fire instead”, she said, with a knowing look. I took the hint and bought myself a set of bagpipes.
For a month I took my pipes with me everywhere I went, and whenever I came across the pan-pipe-man, I’d strike up the loudest racket my lungs could muster and march up and down in front of him until he packed up and left. I came to think of it as a public duty.
Then, last Wednesday, just as I finished piping the pan-pipe-man into submission for the fiftieth time, someone ran me over in a van.
The police are still trying to trace the driver… to give him a reward. The newspaper report said all they have to go on is a little penny whistle that was dropped at the scene…
Recently I decided to take matters into my own hands and rid our town of this menace. My original plan was simple: hijack the park’n’ride bus and run the pan-pipe-man over. Problem solved.
But, foolishly, I allowed myself to be dissuaded by a well-meaning friend (and accomplished penny whistle busker), who insisted no judge would ever agree that murdering someone with a bus was an act of self-defence.
“You could fight fire with fire instead”, she said, with a knowing look. I took the hint and bought myself a set of bagpipes.
For a month I took my pipes with me everywhere I went, and whenever I came across the pan-pipe-man, I’d strike up the loudest racket my lungs could muster and march up and down in front of him until he packed up and left. I came to think of it as a public duty.
Then, last Wednesday, just as I finished piping the pan-pipe-man into submission for the fiftieth time, someone ran me over in a van.
The police are still trying to trace the driver… to give him a reward. The newspaper report said all they have to go on is a little penny whistle that was dropped at the scene…
comments (2)
1. Mike Richards left...
Thursday, 8 November 2007 8:34 am
You must move (with your bagpipes) to Patagonia and THEN you can play them
at their own game. Remember llamas can be dangerous, though.
2. Iva Big Bag left...
Saturday, 29 December 2007 6:27 pm
Your problem was not having a set of wheels on your bag, once you do, the
women find you irrisistable. they often comment about the the size of of my
pipe and what a really nice bag to go with it. I find that this is a good
method of ridding the town of a pan piper. the women just stand and giggle
at his little wee pipe. where as wheels will win every time. Plus you can
always run the bastard over, if he pisses you off. the girls will thank
you.