My New Nut Allergy Test
So many people claim to have nut allergies these days that I think some of them must be making it up. This is why I have devised my Ingenious Nut Allergy Test. It consists of two simple, but highly scientific, tests you can try out on suspected malingerers to establish whether they are nut victims or nut nutters…
The first test is very simple. Run your subject over in a van full of peanuts. If they live, they are probably a skiver, and you can progress to test number two.
Test number two requires the subject to ingest some nuts. You can either do this by crushing walnuts into their marmalade, or (if you are fond of them) by smearing mashed up hazelnuts all over your face and kissing them.
If your subject is still breathing after ten minutes, you have proven them to be a layabout of the worst type and can add their name my List Of Idlers, which I will be presenting to Mr Brown as soon as he gets the keys to number ten.