Make Your House Seem Bigger: Install A Fake Lift

If you are a materialistic social climber like me, you’ll appreciate the need to impress posh dinner guests into thinking your squalid three-bedroom semi is in fact a Tardis-like mansion. The solution is a fake lift.

This is how it works.  The ‘lift’ is built into a cupboard.  Anyone wishing to move from the lounge to the kitchen has to step inside and press the button labelled ‘Floor 7: Kitchen’.  A stereo takes care of all the whooshing sounds you’d get in a proper lift.  After a few seconds another door opens and, hey presto, you’re in the kitchen (which is, of course, just the other side of the lounge).  

During the ‘journey’, guests will become intrigued at the other floor options, which include ‘Basement: Nuclear Bunker’, ‘Floor 5: Firing Range’ and ‘Floor 6: Cloning Laboratory’.  For maximum intrigue, there is no button for Floor 4.

Obviously none of these rooms actually exist.  If anyone selects them, a ‘Restricted Zone’ light flashes up and they end up in the kitchen anyway.

Your posh friends cannot fail to be impressed, especially if they are dim-witted, inbred sycophants, as really posh people should be.  

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