I've Become A Druid
I’ve always thought I’d make an excellent druid. I love the idea prancing about in robes and strangling goats, and I already have an impressive beard (modelled on my Grandmother’s, but with less food in it). But I’ve never known how you go about signing up.
Until last week that is, when I found a secret druid message carefully woven into What HiFi Magazine’s review of the new Toshiba 32C3030D LCD TV:
“If you like beards, robes and want to strangle goats you should be a druid like us! Also, this new Toshiba LCD TV is very good. We give it a Secret Order of the Mossy Bank five stars.”
I immediately ordered the Toshiba. It was delivered yesterday by a real druid (disguised as a delivery person). I explained how I’d deciphered the secret code and after giving me some doubting looks, he agreed to let me join.
For just £450 he inducted me into the High Order of the Goat there and then. And he rigged the TV up to my stereo for free! The last time I was this happy was when I won a vasectomy in an NHS raffle.
My druid name is Little Pansy of the Southern Field (he said I couldn’t choose my own name), and he told me all the Druid’s secret skills like how to avoid pissing on your own robes and how to fake getting electric shock off standing stones. He also offered to lend me his own copy of the Dummies Guide to Ritualistic Cattle Slaughtering.
“Tune into Bravo and the High Priestess will be in touch soon, mate”, he said. Then, with a Special Druid Wink, he sped off in his Ford Van. I’m so excited, but so far all I can find on Bravo is second rate porn.